Why SHARKS circle around you before they ATTACK...
#21
04-13-2012 | 09:05 AM
Great Thread
Why Condoms Come In Boxes Of 3, 6, And 12 ..
A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son.
They happen to walk by the condom display, and the Boy asks, 'What are these, Dad?'
To which the man matter-of-factly replies, 'Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex.''
Oh I see,' replied the boy.' Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school.'
He looks over the display and picks up a Package of 3 and asks, '
Why are there 3 in this package?'
The dad replies, 'Those are for high schoolboys, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one For Sunday.'
Cool' says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, 'Then who are these for?'
Those are for college men,' the dad answers, 'TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday and TWO for Sunday.'
'WOW!' exclaimed the boy, 'then who uses THESE?' he asks, picking up a 12Pack.
With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied,
'Those are for Married men. One for January, one for February, one for March........'
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Three Explorers
Tom, Dick and Harry, three explorers, were captured by cannibals
in the jungles of Borneo. The cannibal chief said to them
(amazingly, he could speak English)! "If you pass the tribal test we will let
you live. Go into the jungle and gather 10 items of the same fruit."
So the three guys scampered into the woods, and Tom came back
first with 10 apples. The chief explained the trial to him: "You
must shove the fruits up your *** without any expression on your face
or you will be eaten."
The first apple was OK, but Tom winced in pain on the second apple,
and was promptly killed and went to heaven (he was a good explorer).
Dick came back with 10 berries, and the chief explained the trial
to him as well. Dick didn't think it should be too tough, and
began. 1...2... 3...4... 5... 6... 7... 8... but on the ninth berry he
burst out in laughter and was immediately killed.
Tom and Dick met in heaven, where Tom asked, "Dick, why did you
laugh? You almost got away with it!!"
Dick replied, "I couldn't help it. I saw Harry coming with an
armload of pineapples."
A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son.
They happen to walk by the condom display, and the Boy asks, 'What are these, Dad?'
To which the man matter-of-factly replies, 'Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex.''
Oh I see,' replied the boy.' Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school.'
He looks over the display and picks up a Package of 3 and asks, '
Why are there 3 in this package?'
The dad replies, 'Those are for high schoolboys, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one For Sunday.'
Cool' says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, 'Then who are these for?'
Those are for college men,' the dad answers, 'TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday and TWO for Sunday.'
'WOW!' exclaimed the boy, 'then who uses THESE?' he asks, picking up a 12Pack.
With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied,
'Those are for Married men. One for January, one for February, one for March........'
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Three Explorers
Tom, Dick and Harry, three explorers, were captured by cannibals
in the jungles of Borneo. The cannibal chief said to them
(amazingly, he could speak English)! "If you pass the tribal test we will let
you live. Go into the jungle and gather 10 items of the same fruit."
So the three guys scampered into the woods, and Tom came back
first with 10 apples. The chief explained the trial to him: "You
must shove the fruits up your *** without any expression on your face
or you will be eaten."
The first apple was OK, but Tom winced in pain on the second apple,
and was promptly killed and went to heaven (he was a good explorer).
Dick came back with 10 berries, and the chief explained the trial
to him as well. Dick didn't think it should be too tough, and
began. 1...2... 3...4... 5... 6... 7... 8... but on the ninth berry he
burst out in laughter and was immediately killed.
Tom and Dick met in heaven, where Tom asked, "Dick, why did you
laugh? You almost got away with it!!"
Dick replied, "I couldn't help it. I saw Harry coming with an
armload of pineapples."
#24
04-14-2012 | 08:19 AM
The Fence
There's an old couple, both in their 80's, on a sentimental holiday back
to the place where they first met. They're sitting in a pub and he says
to her, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together, over fifty
years ago?
We went behind the bar. You leaned against the fence and I made love to
you from behind. "Yes", she says, "I remember it well."
"OK", he says, "How about taking a stroll round there again and we can
do it for old times sake?"
"Ooh Henry, you devil, that sounds like a good idea", she answers.
There's a man sitting at the next table listening to all this, having a
chuckle to himself. He thinks, I've got to see this, two old timers
having sex against a fence.' So he follows them.
They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by
walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the bar and make their
way to the fence.
The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and the old man
drops his trousers. She turns around and hangs on to the fence and the old
man moves in.
Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex the watching man has ever
seen. They are bucking and jumping like eighteen-year-olds. This goes on
for about forty minutes. She's yelling "Ohhh God!"
He's hanging on to her hips for dear life. This is the most athletic sex
imaginable.
Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground. The guy watching is
amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't
know. He starts to think about his own aged parents and wonders
whether they still have sex like this.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old
couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The guy,
still watching thinks, 'that was truly amazing; he was going like a train.
I've got to ask him what his secret is.'
As the couple pass, the guy says to them, "That was something else, you
must have been ******** for about forty minutes. How do you manage it?
Is there some sort of secret?"
"No, there's no secret", the old man says, "except fifty years ago that
frigging fence wasn't electrified".
to the place where they first met. They're sitting in a pub and he says
to her, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together, over fifty
years ago?
We went behind the bar. You leaned against the fence and I made love to
you from behind. "Yes", she says, "I remember it well."
"OK", he says, "How about taking a stroll round there again and we can
do it for old times sake?"
"Ooh Henry, you devil, that sounds like a good idea", she answers.
There's a man sitting at the next table listening to all this, having a
chuckle to himself. He thinks, I've got to see this, two old timers
having sex against a fence.' So he follows them.
They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by
walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the bar and make their
way to the fence.
The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and the old man
drops his trousers. She turns around and hangs on to the fence and the old
man moves in.
Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex the watching man has ever
seen. They are bucking and jumping like eighteen-year-olds. This goes on
for about forty minutes. She's yelling "Ohhh God!"
He's hanging on to her hips for dear life. This is the most athletic sex
imaginable.
Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground. The guy watching is
amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't
know. He starts to think about his own aged parents and wonders
whether they still have sex like this.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old
couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The guy,
still watching thinks, 'that was truly amazing; he was going like a train.
I've got to ask him what his secret is.'
As the couple pass, the guy says to them, "That was something else, you
must have been ******** for about forty minutes. How do you manage it?
Is there some sort of secret?"
"No, there's no secret", the old man says, "except fifty years ago that
frigging fence wasn't electrified".
#25
04-20-2012 | 09:37 PM
Thread Starter
|
Club Member
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 3,193
Likes: 4
From: North Atlanta Area, GA
Joke du Jour:
A judge working a double-homicide case tells the defendant, “You’re charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer.”
“You bastard!” yells a voice from the back of the courtroom.
“You’re also charged with killing your mother-in-law with a hammer,” says the judge.
“You Bastard!” the same person yells.
The judge addresses the man sitting in the back of the courtroom. “Sir, one more outburst and I’ll charge you with contempt.”
“I’m sorry, Your Honor,” says the man. “But I’ve been this bastard’s neighbor for 10 years, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn’t have one!”
“You bastard!” yells a voice from the back of the courtroom.
“You’re also charged with killing your mother-in-law with a hammer,” says the judge.
“You Bastard!” the same person yells.
The judge addresses the man sitting in the back of the courtroom. “Sir, one more outburst and I’ll charge you with contempt.”
“I’m sorry, Your Honor,” says the man. “But I’ve been this bastard’s neighbor for 10 years, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn’t have one!”
#26
04-20-2012 | 10:31 PM
Road Warrior
Joined: Apr 2011
Posts: 1,596
Likes: 9
From: Cherokee Co. Georgia
A very, very difficult question for Abby to ponder: Dear Abby,
I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision.
I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs...phone rings, but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently, although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."
I sometimes stay awake to look out for her cab coming home, but she always comes walking up the drive as I hear the sound of a car leaving, around the corner, as if she has gotten out and walked the rest of the way. Why? Maybe she wasn't in a taxi at all?
I once picked up her cell phone, just to see what time it was. This caused her to go completely berserk. She quickly snatched the phone out of my hand and cursed me hysterically, screaming that I should never touch her personal property, then accused me of trying to spy on her.
Anyway, I have never broached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her. I decided I was going to park my Harley Davidson Lowrider next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the street around the corner when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my motorcycle that I noticed a small amount of motor oil leaking through the gasket between the rear head and rocker arm cover.
So...is this something I can easily repair myself or do you think I should take it back to the dealer?
I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision.
I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs...phone rings, but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently, although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."
I sometimes stay awake to look out for her cab coming home, but she always comes walking up the drive as I hear the sound of a car leaving, around the corner, as if she has gotten out and walked the rest of the way. Why? Maybe she wasn't in a taxi at all?
I once picked up her cell phone, just to see what time it was. This caused her to go completely berserk. She quickly snatched the phone out of my hand and cursed me hysterically, screaming that I should never touch her personal property, then accused me of trying to spy on her.
Anyway, I have never broached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her. I decided I was going to park my Harley Davidson Lowrider next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the street around the corner when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my motorcycle that I noticed a small amount of motor oil leaking through the gasket between the rear head and rocker arm cover.
So...is this something I can easily repair myself or do you think I should take it back to the dealer?
#27
04-20-2012 | 10:36 PM
Road Warrior
Joined: Apr 2011
Posts: 1,596
Likes: 9
From: Cherokee Co. Georgia
The Heart Surgeon and the Motorcycle Mechanic A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a motorcycle when he spotted a well known heart surgeon in his shop. The surgeon was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike. The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, can I ask you a question?"
The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked,
"So, Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take valves out, fix 'em, put 'em back in and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"
The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over and whispered to the mechanic ... "Try doing it with the engine running!"
#28
04-20-2012 | 10:42 PM
Road Warrior
Joined: Apr 2011
Posts: 1,596
Likes: 9
From: Cherokee Co. Georgia
WARNING: This one is BAD!
A Biker walks into a bar, he takes a seat at the bar and growls:
"Bartender! Get me a drink!" The bartender obliges, and the biker scarfs down the drink. Slamming the glass down on the bar, he growls:
"Bartender! Get me another!" The bartender pours him another drink. After a few more rounds, the bartender attempts some conversation:
"Sir, he says, it seems that you're visibly upset. What's the problem?" The biker looks at him and snorts:
"I just went home and caught my ol' lady screwing my best friend!"
"Oh man," says the bartender, that's rough... "What did you do?" The biker says:
"Well, I grabbed her by the hair, threw her out nekkid, threw her clothes out after her, and told her never EVER to come back."
"Wow," says the bartender in awe: "That's tough man, what did you do to your friend?" "Well," says the biker, "I marched right back upstairs, I grabbed HIM by the scruff of the neck, and I said: BAD DOG."
A Biker walks into a bar, he takes a seat at the bar and growls:
"Bartender! Get me a drink!" The bartender obliges, and the biker scarfs down the drink. Slamming the glass down on the bar, he growls:
"Bartender! Get me another!" The bartender pours him another drink. After a few more rounds, the bartender attempts some conversation:
"Sir, he says, it seems that you're visibly upset. What's the problem?" The biker looks at him and snorts:
"I just went home and caught my ol' lady screwing my best friend!"
"Oh man," says the bartender, that's rough... "What did you do?" The biker says:
"Well, I grabbed her by the hair, threw her out nekkid, threw her clothes out after her, and told her never EVER to come back."
"Wow," says the bartender in awe: "That's tough man, what did you do to your friend?" "Well," says the biker, "I marched right back upstairs, I grabbed HIM by the scruff of the neck, and I said: BAD DOG."
#29
04-20-2012 | 11:04 PM
Thread Starter
|
Club Member
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 3,193
Likes: 4
From: North Atlanta Area, GA
WARNING: This one is BAD!
A Biker walks into a bar, he takes a seat at the bar and growls:
"Bartender! Get me a drink!" The bartender obliges, and the biker scarfs down the drink. Slamming the glass down on the bar, he growls:
"Bartender! Get me another!" The bartender pours him another drink. After a few more rounds, the bartender attempts some conversation:
"Sir, he says, it seems that you're visibly upset. What's the problem?" The biker looks at him and snorts:
"I just went home and caught my ol' lady screwing my best friend!"
"Oh man," says the bartender, that's rough... "What did you do?" The biker says:
"Well, I grabbed her by the hair, threw her out nekkid, threw her clothes out after her, and told her never EVER to come back."
"Wow," says the bartender in awe: "That's tough man, what did you do to your friend?" "Well," says the biker, "I marched right back upstairs, I grabbed HIM by the scruff of the neck, and I said: BAD DOG."
A Biker walks into a bar, he takes a seat at the bar and growls:
"Bartender! Get me a drink!" The bartender obliges, and the biker scarfs down the drink. Slamming the glass down on the bar, he growls:
"Bartender! Get me another!" The bartender pours him another drink. After a few more rounds, the bartender attempts some conversation:
"Sir, he says, it seems that you're visibly upset. What's the problem?" The biker looks at him and snorts:
"I just went home and caught my ol' lady screwing my best friend!"
"Oh man," says the bartender, that's rough... "What did you do?" The biker says:
"Well, I grabbed her by the hair, threw her out nekkid, threw her clothes out after her, and told her never EVER to come back."
"Wow," says the bartender in awe: "That's tough man, what did you do to your friend?" "Well," says the biker, "I marched right back upstairs, I grabbed HIM by the scruff of the neck, and I said: BAD DOG."
#30
04-20-2012 | 11:14 PM
Road Master
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 943
Likes: 41
As sadly told by a wife.........
I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is engaged,one is a mistress, and of course I have been married for 10+ years.
We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by wearing a black leather bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes. Here's how it all went :
My engaged friend:
The other night my boyfriend came over and found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a black mask.
He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.'
Then we made love all night long.
The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels and black mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night.
Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said, "What's for dinner, Zorro?"
I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is engaged,one is a mistress, and of course I have been married for 10+ years.
We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by wearing a black leather bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes. Here's how it all went :
My engaged friend:
The other night my boyfriend came over and found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a black mask.
He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.'
Then we made love all night long.
The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels and black mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night.
Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said, "What's for dinner, Zorro?"