How Fights Get Started...




My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.



She asked, 'What's on TV?'



I said, 'Dust.'



And then the fight started....



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My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"



"No," she answered.



I then said, "Is that your final answer?"



She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."



So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."



And then the fight started.....



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Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I got on the roadglide, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.



I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."



My loving wife of 5 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out riding in that?"



And that's how the fight started...



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I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it....... He was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"



So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"



And then the fight started....



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My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.



She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'



I bought her a bathroom scale.



And then the fight started....



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After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.



The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.



When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.



She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'



And then the fight started....



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My wife and I were sitting at a table at my school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.



My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'



'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'



'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'



And then the fight started....



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I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason took my order first. "I'll have the steak, medium rare, please."



He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""



Nah, she can order for herself."



And then the fight started....



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A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'



The husband replied, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'



And then the fight started......

feel free to add more

Brian

 

Those are all damn funny! The last one reminds me of a guy I used to work with. After work Kirk and some of the other mechanics at the trucking company I worked at would hang around and drink beer. Sometimes this would go on for hours. The boss was easy going and was usually right there drinking along with them.

I was drag racing at the time and the boss would let me work on my car there after hours also. One evening I was there and Kirk's old lady had showed up. He was already three sheets to the wind and was giving her a hard time. After much abuse, she finnaly had enough and told him he had three seconds to say something nice to her or else.

Kirk said, "Well.......you don't sweat much for a fat broad."

and then the fight started........

true story

 

Good reading,and some of those same situations have started fights on this ranch.The wife likes to call them dissagreements.

 

Came home late the other night and had an inkling to go down on the OL. After a minute, pulled out a piece of corn. Huh? Spit it out and kept at it. A minute later, came up with a piece of carrot. WTF? Shrugged it off and kept going. Then came a piece of beef.

So I said, "Honey, what's wrong, are you sick or something?"

And she says, "No, but the guy before you was."

...and then the fight started.