came home wife is laying naked on bed,rubbing a cotton ball all over her ****.
I asked what she was doing,and she said she saw on Oprah this would stimulate them to grow bigger.
you should use toilet paper I say look what its done to your ***!



then the fight stated.

 

Our lawnmower broke down. My wife asked me several times to fix it, but I was busy riding, hanging out with friends, you get the picture.
One day, to show me how pizzed she was, she was sitting on the lawn when I came home. She was cutting the grass with a tiny little pair of scissors.
I went into the house, came back out with a toothbrush and tole her "when you're done mowing the lawn, you could sweep the driveway"...
And then the fight started.

 

So I am having a political conversation with my brother and my wife pipes up with some useless input. I look at her and with a straight face I say "Up until 30 seconds ago, only 9 out of the 10 dumbest things I have ever heard came out of your mouth"....

 

You know what they say...jokes are always funniest when there's an element of truth in there...

And especially when I've been single for the last 10 years...

 

My Ex once said to me "Do these make me look fat?" I replied "No Honey not at all, but what exactally is "Your" definition of fat?" Awww Hell. That's how wars get started. I forgot all about the Prime Directive in dealing with another intelligent Being from another planet.

 

A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.

Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.

The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy crap. That must be my husband!'

So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.

A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'

The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'

And then the fight started.....

 

I tried to talk my OL into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.

Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.

I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

And then the fight started....

 

I was sitting in the recliner Saturday morning and the OL was running the sweeper

She stops at the recliner and shuts the sweeper off and asks "are you going to help out with some cleaning"?

I said "sure" as I rolled back the recliner you can get under there easily now!

Then the fight started!!!

 

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."

That's when the fight started.

 

Some of these made me laugh out loud. Funny.