Krwould, I'm shocked that you would post such an abhorrent, disrespectful comment! That should have been saved for tomorrow!

 

Uhhhh...it is tomorrow already! hehe!!

 

Try this one

A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyes sight's damn near perfect.

 

"and then the fight began...."

 

Guy comes home from work. Says to wife "Get me a beer before it starts". She gets him a beer and he downs it in one gulp. "Get me another beer before it starts". Gets him a beer and he gulps it down. "Get me another beer before it starts" Wife says "Are you gonna drink beer all night?" guy replies "And it starts".

 

OK I've sat by watching this senselessness long enough.
I have one also but it's the only one I know.

A young gunslinger walks into a Saloon in Tucson and see's a man playing cards.

He approaches the man and ask's "Hey, aren't you Doc Holiday"

Why yes I am the man answered.

They young man asked "Can you teach me anything to make me a better Gunfighter?

Doc answered, "The first thing you need to do is wear that gunbelt a little lower on yer hip and get a piece of leather and strap that holster to your thigh"

The young man follows Doc's advice and does a quick draw, shooting the hat off of the piano player.

That was great said the young Gunfighter. Is there anything else you can teach me to make me a better Gunfighter?

"Well, you should cut a notch in the front of your holster and file down that front sight" Doc replied.

The young Gunfighter did what Doc suggested and proceeded to draw his pistol and shoot the bow tie off of the Piano player.

Is there anything else you can tell me Doc?

Doc said "I suggest you go down to the end of the bar and get some lard out of that big bucket and smear it on your pistol"

The youngster asked, "Do you mean on the barrel"?

No Doc said, "Smear it all over the Gun, Barrel, Grips, Cylinder, everything".

How will that help me. Asked the young man.

Doc replied..."It will make it much easier on you when Wyatt shoves it up your a$$ after he's finished playing that Piano.

 

Hmmmmmmm......better stick ta drivin trucks! Hehehe!

 

A new supermarket opened near my house.



It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it
goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.



When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the
scent of fresh mown hay.



In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with
onions.



When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air
is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.



The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread &
cookies.


....... I don't buy toilet paper there any more.

 

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks,
interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists; two men and a
woman. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large
metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your
instructions no matter what the circumstances.

Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair . . . Kill her!!"
The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent
said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go
home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went
into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with
tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You
don't have what it takes. Take your wife home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to
kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard,
one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.
After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood
the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow. "This gun is loaded with blanks"
she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."


MORAL: Women are crazy. Don't mess with them.

 

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive so, I took her to a gas station..... and then the fight started.
************************************************** **************************************************
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $10.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream... and that's when the fight started.
************************************************** **********************
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.’

And then the fight started.....
************************************************** *********************
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, "Do you know her?"

"Yes," I sighed, "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" says my wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started.....
************************************************** *********************
I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.

You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?

Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"

So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"

And that's how the fight started.....
************************************************** **********************
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

"Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's how the fight started.....