Harley Davidson Forums - Humor

Why wedding dresses are white

Homebrew101 — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 19:20:15 GMT

....IT MUST HAVE BEEN A VERY BRAVE MAN WHO WROTE THIS!

*********************************

Son asked his mother the following question:

'Mum, why are wedding dresses white?' The mother looks at her son and replies:

'Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.'

The son thanks his Mum and goes off to double-check this with his father.

'Dad why are wedding dresses white?'

The father looks at his son in surprise and says:'Son, all household appliances come in white.'

Crazy People

EZ48 — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 03:54:45 GMT

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day,
and all the patients were shouting, '13....13....13.'
the fence was too high to see over, but I saw a
little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see
what was going on.....

Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick!

Then they all started shouting '14....14....14'...

:D

over the fence

mud — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 02:42:06 GMT

.
.
Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence.

Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to,
he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?"

"My goldfish died," replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."

The neighbor was concerned,
"That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied,

"That's because he's inside your cat."
.
.
.

Apple's new itit They have done it again

2003Springer — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 21:58:02 GMT

Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. The iTit will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size. This is considerable major social breakthrough, because women have always complained about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

:icon_beerchug: :icon_snowball:

Once upon a time...

Homebrew101 — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 16:41:36 GMT

Once upon a time there lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.
Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason.
He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.
One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor. Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it.
Without pause, Nick readily agreed to the scheme. The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King
and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that, among all of the citizens of the kingdom, only
the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.
The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent
breasts.
The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and was hailed by the King and Queen as a hero.
Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less knowing that
Horatio could never report this matter to the King and with a laugh told him to get lost.
The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick . .
The moral of the story - Pay your bills.

Custody Hearing

Homebrew101 — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 16:40:54 GMT

DETROIT, MI (AP) - A seven-year old boy was at the center of a
Wayne County courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court
ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of
being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to
his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulation requiring
that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible..

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him
more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When
the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy
cried and said that they also beat him.

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and
learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among
them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to
propose who should have custody of him.
After two recesses to check legal references and confer with the
child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the
Detroit Lions, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating
anyone.

If you can't find the book you want

Robottom — Wed, 18 Nov 2009 23:39:53 GMT

You're probably shopping at the..........

Attached Thumbnails

The Washington Post

Robottom — Wed, 18 Nov 2009 21:05:50 GMT

The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.
And the winners are:
1. Coffee (n.): The person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.): Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
3. Abdicate (v.): To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.): To attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.): Impotent.
6. Negligent (adj.): Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.
7. Lymph (v.): To walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n.): Olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.): Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.): A rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.): A humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.): The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon (n.): A Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster (n.): A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.): The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent (n.): An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
17. Contempt (v.): Women suggestively displaying private parts with no intention of sharing them.
(I added the last one)

Difference between the swine and avian flu

sBender — Wed, 18 Nov 2009 17:43:28 GMT

Last night my 4 y/o little girl informed me that for the swine flu you get an oinkment.... for the avian flu you get a tweetment. I laughed my ass off.

It's too early for this $hit!

2003Springer — Wed, 18 Nov 2009 14:10:58 GMT

Two brooms were hanging in the closet for many years together. After those many years they knew each other so well, they decided to get married.

One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.

The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress.

The groom broom was very handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was so lovely.

Shortly after the wedding was over, and they were still at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom; "I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!"

"IMPOSSIBLE!" said the groom broom.

We havn't even swept together!

I think you have been sweeping around!
:icon_toliet: :icon_deadhorse:

The Blind Man

mud — Wed, 18 Nov 2009 03:00:11 GMT

.
.
Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent,
with a warning from the Mother Superior not to get even a drop of paint on their habits.

After conferring about this,
the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint naked..

In the middle of the project, there's a knock at the door.

"Who is it ?" calls one of the nuns.

"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.

The two nuns look at each other and shrug,
both deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room.

They open the door.

"Nice boobs," says the man. "Where do you want the blinds?"
.
.
.

DEA Officer

Steve Zodiac — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 22:52:59 GMT

DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas , and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." Gault says, "Okay , but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location.

The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to Gault. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand? "

Gault nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased close behind by the rancher's prize bull.

With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get " Horned " before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified. Gault throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....

" Your badge. Show him your BADGE!!!"

Something else to worry about .....

Bushpilot — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 17:44:38 GMT

Something else to worry about .....

I'm not really concerned about swine flu. Here's my concern.

� 3 years ago, Chinese calendar year of the cow. .. .

Mad Cow disease.

�2 years ago, Chinese calendar year of the bird. . .

Avian flu.

�This year, Chinese calendar year of the pig. . .

Swine flu.

Next year is the year of the cock. . .

Anybody else worried?

Would-be Seattle ninja found impaled on metal fence

Jon H — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 17:16:39 GMT

Don't know where to post this, so here it is!
Also read the police news release. [edit add: it's short also.]
Jon

Story Published: Nov 17, 2009 at 8:28 AM PST
Story Updated: Nov 17, 2009 at 8:41 AM PST
By KOMO Staff
SEATTLE -- An aspiring ninja learned the hard way that he isn't able to jump a 5-foot fence.

Seattle police said an officer checking out a report of an assault in the 600 block of 7th Avenue late Monday came across a man impaled on top of a metal fence, screaming for help.

Firefighters pulled the man from the metal spike and took him to Harborview Medical Center.

Police thought the man may have been involved in the earlier assault call so they went to interview him at the hospital. There, police said, the man told them that he was not being chased but thought he was a ninja and believed he could leap the fence.

"Clearly he was overconfident in his abilities, no doubt bolstered by alcohol," police wrote in a news release.

From the KOMO 4 news site:
http://www.komonews.com/news/local/70281817.html

The Chicken Surprise

Nabubba — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 00:47:41 GMT

A couple goes for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and orders the 'Chicken Surprise'. The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.
'Good grief, did you see that?' she asks her husband. He hadn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down. Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.
'Please sir,' says the waiter, 'what you order?'
The husband replies, 'Chicken Surprise.'
'Ah! So sorry,' says the waiter, 'I brought you Peeking Duck'.